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Daily Journal 2
Feb. 26th, 2019 05:48 pmI'm going to keep these going so I can keep track of how I feel and use them for therapy as well, by showing them to my therapist.
Yesterday I got a website up and going, mostly gutting my existing WordPress blog, acquiring a domain, and now a WordPress yearly sub. It is still something I'm going to work on and keep up to date. I also have a commission to work on that I'll get the base rough sculpting done tonight on, and ideally finish it tomorrow because yay money. ^^
Now onto my mental state and general health. Today I find myself incredibly sad. I miss the friends and things I had in Washington. I miss my ex dearly and miss the simple thing of just seeing her face when she came home and how happy that used to make me. So many small things, and so many things that used to be so common place are just hard now. It's hard to keep myself motivated some days as well, and that sucks, it really really sucks. It's not my first relationship but living with someone for a while and them becoming part of your life... then that just ceasing.. it.. It's hard. It's very, very damn difficult. I miss her so god damn much, but it just wasn't going to work out..
I am realizing I have been struggling with depression, maybe clinical or maybe not I'm unsure. While in Washington I discovered cannabis at least nukes my anxiety problems, but the depression remains and maybe the depression I feel now is normal given the circumstances, I'm not sure and I need to keep maintaining a log of how I feel to really figure that out. Regardless, even when I was still with my ex my motivation to perform my best seemed to get sapped away.
Motivation for me has always been fleeting, but more and more so as time goes on. I'll make grand plans that if I put my mind to them yeah I could accomplish... but I never do. The drive vanishes and leaves me just trying to find something else I can push towards. I've started taking an old friend's advice to heart... ...finally a year after they told me, to take things one day at a time, and I have been. But its also showed me how my motivation vanishes even on a daily or hourly basis. I can push through it most of the time but it goes back to maybe it isn't just sadness from my breakup but something more deeply rooted. I guess I'll keep paying someone to dig around in my head to find out.
Yesterday I got a website up and going, mostly gutting my existing WordPress blog, acquiring a domain, and now a WordPress yearly sub. It is still something I'm going to work on and keep up to date. I also have a commission to work on that I'll get the base rough sculpting done tonight on, and ideally finish it tomorrow because yay money. ^^
Now onto my mental state and general health. Today I find myself incredibly sad. I miss the friends and things I had in Washington. I miss my ex dearly and miss the simple thing of just seeing her face when she came home and how happy that used to make me. So many small things, and so many things that used to be so common place are just hard now. It's hard to keep myself motivated some days as well, and that sucks, it really really sucks. It's not my first relationship but living with someone for a while and them becoming part of your life... then that just ceasing.. it.. It's hard. It's very, very damn difficult. I miss her so god damn much, but it just wasn't going to work out..
I am realizing I have been struggling with depression, maybe clinical or maybe not I'm unsure. While in Washington I discovered cannabis at least nukes my anxiety problems, but the depression remains and maybe the depression I feel now is normal given the circumstances, I'm not sure and I need to keep maintaining a log of how I feel to really figure that out. Regardless, even when I was still with my ex my motivation to perform my best seemed to get sapped away.
Motivation for me has always been fleeting, but more and more so as time goes on. I'll make grand plans that if I put my mind to them yeah I could accomplish... but I never do. The drive vanishes and leaves me just trying to find something else I can push towards. I've started taking an old friend's advice to heart... ...finally a year after they told me, to take things one day at a time, and I have been. But its also showed me how my motivation vanishes even on a daily or hourly basis. I can push through it most of the time but it goes back to maybe it isn't just sadness from my breakup but something more deeply rooted. I guess I'll keep paying someone to dig around in my head to find out.
