veladynee | Recent Entries

Busy busy. Job stuff FINALLY moving forward, holy crap! So that's good. Meeting more locals is good, too and so its just been hectic.

I've had a few anxiety dips I'll admit, mostly over small stuff but I've been recollecting myself a lot faster than before. Anxiety is slowly drifting into becoming background noise and if I keep working at it eventually it'll be a more easily ignorable little sound in the distance.

My new therapist I'm finally feeling comfortable to open up to, which is rare for me in such short order but I think with the anxiety becoming more suppressed I'm less worried about just being myself.

I've had self esteem crashes of all things more lately, mostly in worrying that I'm never doing enough for others and that they always see me as slacking. I know it isn't the case but its a nagging fear I've had for a long while and the other day it became a cacophony in my mind that took a while to break and suppress. I need to remind myself to ramble here instead of on social media or at friends in order to make sure I'm not offloading too much on others. I've done it before and it drains people, and while I'm immensely better about it now it still happens, I'll still dump at people and I just have to be very wary of it. But being aware of it I say is the first real step to improvement and so let's keep going with that!

Current Mood: okay

Today I'm finding myself in a spiral downwards into constantly thinking about how worthless I am. This is also including how if I was worth anything, I'd have work now, thinking on all of my old past mistakes and fuck ups, and just an endless deep pressing on my very being.

I fucking hate depression and I wish it'd fuck off.

That's all I really have to say, I'll have a bigger journal later.

I said it before again, I'm surrounded by friends. I'm popular in some communities, I've got friends online and near. I live with my wingsister and her mate who have been supportive as hell. I have someone I kind of find cute and may pursue down the line.

Economically I'm fine, well off compared to most people. I've got goals, I've got all sorts of things going for me. I've got skills as an artist, I take commissions. I have... a lot. A lot that most people would dream of, and I'm aware of it.

And yet even with everything, I still feel deeply lonely and isolated. Sometimes I sit here and just break down in tears and it becomes a struggle to get my mood back up. I miss things, I try to dwell on the past. I've broken the old cycles that used to happen and more or less stopped the old spirals... and now I'm left with this. Sometimes that urge is so strong I just want to drop everything I have and run away and maybe try to find something where I feel more like I belong, which doesn't make any sense since I am where I belong.

All I know is right now I'm just deeply sad and feel so, so alone.

Oops. Busy busy... so much to do, so little time. Mood's mostly been stable with a few dips here and there mostly due to just job hunting. Gotta get the brake pads changed on the Challenger still. House hunting on the side, trying to figure where to move, mostly dependent on job location really.

Mood wise I've been alright, stable. Trying to just keep going, getting more involved in some communities. Getting an otherkin community up and going on a Mastodon instance to allow more spiritual discussions in a more mature manner. Helping others with their problems consistently and trying to make sure friends are doing okay after the NZ stuff which shocked a lot of friends. Hoping nothing happens in the US with the growing political issues out here thanks to different extremist politics...

Ready to have things stable again.

New therapist appointment went well. Decided while I'm unemployed I should spend time working on myself more since I have the opportunity. Here's hoping it works out, having a consistent therapist out in the area again will be beneficial, just need to find a psychiatrist for any meds that might be needed as well. Got the car detailed too so she is all nice and shiny, just gotta get new brake pads for her and she's golden, at least minus the dent but that'll be a reward for working again. All in all, positive steps forward. Even got a new phone in the mail with arrival tomorrow! Actually excited. While it sucks I kinda killed my old phone... honestly having a brand new device will be kind of neat. The Nexus was amazing when it was still new when I got it, and having a 2019 phone will be sweet. It's not the most powerful phone, the new one, but honestly I only use it for messengers and e-mail with the occasional Spotify so what does it matter. XD

All in all generally moving forward in a positive way, and nothing really negative to report today or the last day and a half, and that's perfectly fine by me.

Current Mood: cheerful

I didn't get my driver's license in the mail because USPS is seemingly wanting to return things to sender, absolutely at random. The thought and actions of having to try to work with the USPS, and dealing with being put on hold for over an hour somehow set me off and I got unreasonably angry at the situation and threw my phone, which ended up breaking it... (tho it took that to break ti after owning it for 5 years, heh). I vented like I used to do back when I played aggravating games and overall made an ass of myself, especially to my wingsister. I feel absolutely awful about it because it... is uncharacteristic of me these days to get angry like that, to lose my temper. I'm not sure what's up and I hope the old anger issues are not making a comeback. It's been years since they existed and I want them to remain gone... I'll make more note of this to my therapist and have my hormone levels checked in turn.

Job interview went well, got another tomorrow for another place. Feeling overall pretty hopeful and generally okay. Realizing how many friends I actually have and how many care and its been really awesome, making me feel great. I've started to buy more clothes and try out new styles and realizing I can look pretty good.

Sadly I seem to cause discomfort with some other trans women due to apparently passing too well... it makes some jealous or uncomfortable and its not the first time its been a thing. Occasionally called privileged due to it. It's... I don't know. It makes me hesitant to reach out to a lot of trans circles to help others due to it.

Current Mood: cheerful

Some nights I feel incredibly alone even surrounded by my friends. You get used to having that special someone always there, next to you, coming home. Or in turn returning from a long day to see them smile and greet you. You get used to it... To not have them anymore hurts. Moving hurts, leaving hurts, being alone again hurts.

I wish time would pass and it would heal already.

It's month three since the breakup and it hurts less all in all, I've moved forward, but I haven't completely moved on, and a night like tonight I spend it in the dark wishing I had her close to just... simply hug and have someone near.

I don't let myself dwell as much anymore on what happened, I've forgiven myself, I've found paths forward, I've found new friends, rekindled friendships with those I let slip, become more social, and overall am a lot further along than I was even last year. I'm arguably happier than I have been in years, things are going well and I feel... gleeful.

Yet tonight, I feel alone, and tonight I give myself time to let the emotions that are still there run free.

Tonight I miss what I had, even if it wasn't perfect.

I miss her.

Current Mood: tired

Awesome day was had. ^^ Went to the Ren Faire and got to hang out with friends. Overall was feeling pretty good. Realizing my charisma is still damn high and that's glorious. Interacting with friends and even random people fills me with confidence and energy, something I never really knew was a thing for me. I always thought of myself as an introvert but over time I've realized I'm quite the opposite there and that's okay!

As for the Ren Faire, got to see neat things, explore neat stores, hang out and eat tasty food and chat. After that went to dinner with another friend! Overall I'm doing pretty good.

The only negatives were that yesterday I had really bad dysphoria that bled some into today, but then slowly worked through it. I also had a moment of hanging out in Discord with my friends group when my ex showed up in it... and that's still awkward so I ducked out. At least my friends understand and are supportive while I work to make myself more comfortable in her and I's shared friends circle. It's... really nice to know that everyone there likes me. I was always worried that I'd feel like an outcast because she introduced me to these friends and that.. they only liked me because of her. Now I'm realizing its quite the opposite and people seem to like me for just being myself. It's an odd feeling of confidence when someone says they were worried I'd leave after the breakup because they wanted me to stay.

So to all my friends, thank you while I've been in a rough spot. Thank you so much for being there and supporting me while I get things back together. You all mean the world to me. ^^

Today's been a relatively good day. Gotten some art done and should be able to get to detailing the commission tomorrow. Did some new job applications as well and otherwise doing my best to remain focused and productive. Glad to know also that many of my friends are supportive of me, even through hard times like now, and encourage me in all the best ways. I am happy that I'm loved by so many and it helps to give me the strength to keep doing what I need to.

Other happy things are that I've actually learned I like my body, I appreciate it and am comfortable in it finally. It only took 2+ years of hormones! XD But hooray for not having as much physical dysphoria, now I just have to decide if I want to pursue bottom surgery or not. Overall my dysphoria there is muted, but at the same time I've grown less and less interested in having those bits down there, and in turn it seems to make sex a little more awkward for me. I might need to investigate it sooner rather than later for my own sanity there.

My anxiety is also lower thanks to my self medicating but.... At the same time my nightly use of cannabis has also been leading to my memory being fuzzier all in all. I'm going to consider it a worthy enough trade for now, since my anxiety is null, but I might tone down how much weed I do nightly, or adjust it some. It at least does numb the amount of sadness I still feel. But time...

All in all, improvement, moving forward!

I'm going to keep these going so I can keep track of how I feel and use them for therapy as well, by showing them to my therapist.

Yesterday I got a website up and going, mostly gutting my existing WordPress blog, acquiring a domain, and now a WordPress yearly sub. It is still something I'm going to work on and keep up to date. I also have a commission to work on that I'll get the base rough sculpting done tonight on, and ideally finish it tomorrow because yay money. ^^

Now onto my mental state and general health. Today I find myself incredibly sad. I miss the friends and things I had in Washington. I miss my ex dearly and miss the simple thing of just seeing her face when she came home and how happy that used to make me. So many small things, and so many things that used to be so common place are just hard now. It's hard to keep myself motivated some days as well, and that sucks, it really really sucks. It's not my first relationship but living with someone for a while and them becoming part of your life... then that just ceasing.. it.. It's hard. It's very, very damn difficult. I miss her so god damn much, but it just wasn't going to work out..

I am realizing I have been struggling with depression, maybe clinical or maybe not I'm unsure. While in Washington I discovered cannabis at least nukes my anxiety problems, but the depression remains and maybe the depression I feel now is normal given the circumstances, I'm not sure and I need to keep maintaining a log of how I feel to really figure that out. Regardless, even when I was still with my ex my motivation to perform my best seemed to get sapped away.

Motivation for me has always been fleeting, but more and more so as time goes on. I'll make grand plans that if I put my mind to them yeah I could accomplish... but I never do. The drive vanishes and leaves me just trying to find something else I can push towards. I've started taking an old friend's advice to heart... ...finally a year after they told me, to take things one day at a time, and I have been. But its also showed me how my motivation vanishes even on a daily or hourly basis. I can push through it most of the time but it goes back to maybe it isn't just sadness from my breakup but something more deeply rooted. I guess I'll keep paying someone to dig around in my head to find out.

Current Mood: sad

I was playing games with a friend when I started to hit an anxiety spiral at around 2 to 3. First true spiral I've had in quite a while but damn was it a big one. I'm still getting over my ex and I's parting, back in December. Shit's been hard, I'm not gonna lie but I'm making progress slowly, gradually. I've at least got a few goals I set for myself and now have a path. I kind of hit rock bottom as far as emotions go, coming to terms and facing a lot of my problems that I'd always run from. Her and I's breakup was probably one of the hardest and most painful things I've ever gone through and yet at the end of the day... I've left feeling optimistic.

I miss her a shit ton, and still worry about her, worry how she's doing. We'll be friends again, things will be better in time for both of us, but damn does being in the "in time" part suck. Things will work out, on that I'm very optimistic, but as I've learned to take to heart, its all just one step at a time, one day at a time. I always said I knew what that meant but only now do I actually understand it and that makes me happy.

Hi there,

Welcome to my little corner of the internet where I will be dumping my most inner thoughts in a place people can read and keep track of. I'm doing this for two main reasons. First I want to maintain honesty with myself and to others with how I'm actually doing as I suffer from a few different mental issues that I'm slowly working through, with therapy, to overcome coupled with a recent and painful breakup and restructuring of my life. Second I want to have a corner that isn't Mastadon or other social media where I don't have to worry about venting and filling up people's timelines with extremely personal things. I believe in letting people approach me or where I express such so they can find it when they want it, instead of being subjected to it. ^^

With that, enjoy! And remember, these are my thoughts, 100% and do not represent anyone I know or associate with. They are completely mine :)